I Hate My ADHD Brain

I read something that perfectly summed up my shitty ADHD brain a couple of weeks ago. And it has been gnawing at my psyche ever since. For two reasons, one it was deadly accurate. And two, my stupid ADHD brain won't even let me remember it verbatim. (And yet I can remember a quote from a Simpson's episode that I watched 27 years ago.) It went something like: "My future plans and dreams are dependent on things I've never been able to start..." That is completely butchering it as you'll see in a minute or two.

So I'm determined that I've got to find it. Because I want to write about it. I set out early in the morning before everyone was awake and searched for ADHD quotes on Pinterest. (Which I hate with a passion. That site is way too much for a brain like mine.) So I'm looking and looking quickly at hundreds and hundreds of quotes. Then I have poop. So I get up quickly and head to the bathroom. I finish in there and then Lynn looks lonely in bed so I go in and get some snuggles. Then it's time to wake the kids up so I get up and find that Arden is already downstairs eating (like usual) and Lyza needs to be encouraged to rise. So I go in and get her going. Then the normal school routine starts and I'm out of my writing flow... So an hour and a half later I'm back at it. Again, literally combing through hundreds of quotes. (This is no exageration.)

Then! I find it! My needle in a haystack!

"All of my plans for the future involve me waking up tomorrow with a sudden sense of discipline and adherence to routine that I have never displayed even once in my life." @rmccarthyjames

Fuck. Me.

I say this a lot, sometimes out loud, "What am I going to do today that's different than yesterday to make changes in my life?" And the reality is, I do nothing different. My. Brain. Will. Not. Let. Me.

That sounds like bullshit. And most people will look at me and say "That's bullshit. You can do it if you want to do it." And I can, I agree! But my brain won't let me. I physically can not do it. I want to do it. I want so badly to do it!

I have so many ideas and plans for the future. And most of them will never see the light of day. Listen I've done some cool shit in my day, but what it took to get there was so much more effort than anyone will ever realize. I'm really good at masking things. My popup dinner for example, I wanted to do it so bad. I had a bunch of friends who had done one, so why not me? But I was scared shitless and worried whether or not I could pull it off. But then one day I was eating lunch at a friend's restaurant and we were chatting about it. And maybe my ADHD impulsivity came into play here, but I committed right then and there when they said I could host at their place. So I pulled the pony out of the garage and there was no putting it away... (I'm pretty sure the stress of that event put me in the hospital for 11 days.) I think it was a successful event and I did have fun doing it but it's an anomaly. I'm not a "doer". I'm a "want to doer".

I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect. I know that it's not and I accept that it's not going to be pretty easily. But that doesn't mean that's how I want it. My home office is organized chaos. I don't want it to be that way, but I literally can't go through the pile sitting next to me because my ADHD brain won't let me. It is why our house is cluttered (among other reasons as well.) And because things aren't perfect I give up and move on to something else. It's fucking exhausting.

I used to treat my condition with medication, but it made me "not me" in ways that weren't productive, so I discontinued use of it. And I tried them all, in all the dosages. I just couldn't find the right combination. I know they work, I've seen them work in my own child and others like her. So when a friend told me about a new one that her son was taking, it piqued my interest. It's different than a lot of the others on the market and the side effects seem palatable. So I think I'm going to try it. Because I just can't do it anymore... Something has got to give... I will get this monkey off my back...