Happiness is a warm gun

Nostalgia is a powerful drug. Everything old is new again. And in that vein, there's a new "Transformers" movie coming out that's getting a lot of press. One of the voice actors was on a talk show recently and it got me thinking about when the they originally came out when I was a kid.

We went nuts for them. I had to have BumbleBee, the cute little robot that turned into a Volkswagen Beetle. Or "Punch Buggy" as we more aptly called them. But Optimus Prime was like the ultimate toy to have. He was the LEADER of all the Autobots and was smart and strong. A character that as a kid I wanted to be like.

I also wanted the Jet style Autobot toys because they could fly and playing with them was just fun. You could throw them to fly or just fly them with your hands. And then they would turn into a cool robot.

The Autobots were the "good guys" and I could just relate to them. I wanted them to win. And of course, they won every time. I didn't like the villains. I couldn't relate. I was a "good kid" and I didn't have it in me to even pretend to be evil. But the Decepticons were also available in toy form. I probably had a couple of token bots that were on the other side, but they were only used as heels that my good guy Autobots beat the shit out of, and sent packing. I would always be on the side of good even when I played with my friends or siblings. Again I just wasn't good at being bad.

The ultimate bad guy toy was the leader of the Decepticons "Megatron". This motherfucker turned into a handgun. Yeah, you remember now, don't you? Who thought this was a good idea? Let's give 9-year-olds a VERY realistic-looking pistol to play with. I was searching eBay (which is where I pulled the pic below) and these toys go for $300-$800 if they're in decent shape. I'm sure an unmolested one would be in the thousands. And I don't have any actual statistics (after all 80% of statistics online are made up) but I'm 100% sure people used these to commit actual crimes. 100% someone walked into a bank with one of these and demanded money. 100% someone pointed one of these at a cop and got killed because they thought it was a real gun. This was before we started painting toy guns with little orange accents. (Lyza walked into my office while I was writing this and saw the picture on my screen and sternly asked why I was looking at guns. 😂)

I never had one of these toys. I never really wanted one. But my best friend, Matt J. had one. I played with it, naturally, but it wasn't for me. I'm just not a gun guy. I don't like them. I don't think they're entirely necessary in society. Aside from hunting, I don't see much purpose in them. I don't think they should be banned as a whole, and I don't think they shouldn't exist, and people shouldn't be able to own them. But I think we could change how we go about owning and registering them. In my opinion, I think the bar could and should be set higher.

If you own guns, fine. If you don't, fine. There's no right or wrong here. I have friends that are responsible gun owners and I have friends that I question how they were allowed to be an owner of a firearm. But either way, I'm not here to judge them on that.

I own an air-powered rifle that I use to kill birds that are destroying my roof. My neighbors must think I'm crazy but it's an effective utility that is literally saving my house from destruction. But that's all it is for me: utility. I don't want to go out and shoot at stuff. I don't see the point.

My rifle has served me well. I got it from a store specializing in airguns the summer of the pandemic. They were busy af because apparently you couldn't buy real ammo at the time and the gun nuts (who just had to shoot SOMETHING) were buying up all the airguns. And that's fine if that's what you're into. I am not. I asked for something that was accurate and lethal to pigeons and they delivered. I don't really have a problem any longer. Imagine that, the birds don't come around to my roof anymore. So now my rifle sits in the corner collecting dust. I don't know what to do with it anymore. I'll probably keep it for now...

When I listen to the Beatles song that's the title of this post, it elicits certain responses in people. But I know the truth about it and it just puts a smile on my face. John Lennon was speaking about his sexual desire for Yoko when he wrote "Happiness is a Warm Gun" and THAT's something I can relate to. I'm not into Asian chicks too much, but women, yeah. I get it, John. I get it... 😂