I Hate Halloween

Sometimes I feel like I should be laying down on a couch and telling these stories to a psychiatrist but that's expensive... So you, dear reader, will have to do...

I hate being scared. Like HATE it... I hate the feeling of feeling terrified. Like I won't even go in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, that's how much I hate being scared. So Halloween and all the ghosts and goblins do nothing for me. The idea that people pay actual money to go to a haunted house to have other people scare them blows my mind. 🤯

Sometimes I have terrifying dreams. And most of the time I will wake myself up from them. Like last night I literally woke myself up when it got spooky. I was standing on a darkened street corner (I think in just my underwear). A black Jeep Grand Cherokee pulled up and started talking to me. They seemed friendly to me but I can't recall who they were. It was a woman and I just know that I knew them in some way. Meanwhile, another black SUV pulls up and a lady gets out. She was short and stocky, dressed all in black. She was walking at a pretty good clip toward me and I got an instant bad vibe from her. Then she pulled out a knife and started running towards me. I got in the Jeep and told the driver to drive and we sped off! And then I woke up in a cold sweat. Literally. And then I was awake for another 45 minutes because I couldn't calm myself down...

Anyway back to Halloween... My wife and kids want to decorate our house and I'm like: Nope. It's not that I'm a curmudgeon. Ok maybe I am. But I hate being scared so why would I decorate my own home to remind me of that feeling? Also, I don't want to store something in my garage for 11 months only to be able to display it for a month. We already have enough Christmas shit for that...

I hated trick-or-treating as a kid. I mean, I totally loved the candy haul. As a fat kid I was delighted in bringing home a pillowcase full of candy. I hated that my brother would always convince me to combine our candy into a dresser drawer and then he'd take all the good stuff after a day or two and leave nothing but the black licorice and other horrible treats. (Don't get me wrong, I ate my weight in Reese's Peanut Butter cups every year.)

The other thing that terrified me was biting into a razor blade... There was always somebody who knew somebody whose sister got a needle in a Snickers bar. And waiting until you got home so someone could visually inspect your candy was pure torture. Both physically and emotionally just draining. And now I make my kids wait... All the while sneaking a Peanut Butter cup from their bag when they're not looking...

So tainted candy along with the fact that we trick or treated in the dark made for a dismal day for me as a kid. I realize this is an unpopular opinion amongst most people. Everyone is like, it's so much better in the dark... Blah blah blah... But children get abducted in the dark. Hit by cars in the dark. And when I grew up they didn't put reflective strips on your costume so people could see you in the dark. You were on your own. Literally. I don't ever recall being escorted by a parent while I trick or treated. So you had to watch out for cars and dudes trying to snatch you away from your family while ignoring the fact that you just received a full-size Three Musketeers bar in your pillowcase... Either way, I was on high alert on Halloween.

Speaking of being on my own, I also never had any help in making, designing, or buying a costume or mask... You pretty much just had to find a superman T-shirt you already had, or punched some holes in a black garbage bag and called yourself a California raisin... (Both actual costumes I wore as a kid.) So when my daughter asks for a $25 wig and jewelry kit from Amazon to complete her costume you better believe I'll pay extra to have it here in time for her to trick or treat.

In conclusion, Halloween sucks, and death scares me. I don't believe in a deity that's pulling the strings of life and death and all that nonsense. I don't believe in Satan and Hell and Heaven and all that other bullshit. I think when you die, you die. And that's it. So I don't want to die. Why would I joke around with or even celebrate the concept? There was a time when I was brainwashed to believe in those constructs (see: Catholic School) but thankfully I saw through all that nonsense. And as a kid it scared the pants off me. So no thank you to your scary movies, haunted hay rides, or any other "fun" thing designed to try to scare me. I say good day to you... I'm in a pretty good place financially and I can afford all the candy I want. I don't need my neighbors to contribute to my already bulging waistline... As Wilford Brimley once said... Dia-beet-us. I hope you have a Happy Halloween!