Intrusive thoughts

I've been running, not literally, look at me, I don't run... But running from all my problems. Running from responsibilities. Running from the things that I should face head-on. Hiding my head in the sand so I don't have to deal with them. I just want to lie down and curl up in a blanket. Am I depressed? Is that what this is?

I am currently on a 7-day cruise. We've been anchored in Cabo for the past two days. We never get off the boat. Eating and sleeping are pretty much all I've done. I don't want to sit by the pool. I don't really even want to eat. I'm so fucking full already. The GLPs kick in, and I don't even have any interest. But, I do want to eat my feelings. It's just what I've done for too many years. So maybe it's just habit. I really just want to throw up. I ate and drank too much last week at a work conference, and I threw up and felt so much better.

It really sucks for my family. I know that my wife just wants me to sit next to her on a chair by the pool. It's what she loves to do. I fucking hate it. Maybe it's my ADHD kicking in, and I just can't sit still. I've come here to relax, and I can't. I'm wound up and have no outlet. I did walk on a treadmill today after breakfast lunch. Didn't do much for me. All I could think of is "What if I jumped off the side of the boat? What would happen?" Now, please note, I would never do that, but that little nagging thought did cross my mind. I just want to take a nap.

But that also sucks these days. I am on a 105-night streak (I know because I look at the app every day) of sleeping with my stupid CPAP BiPAP machine. So now a nap involves filling up the water tank, securing my mask, and trying to match the breathing cadence. Eventually, I relax enough and fall asleep, but the anxiety is deep. It's even worse now that I'm over 100 days in. My insurance sucks balls and is trying to get replacement parts, but they are dragging their feet. So my mask is gross, and the velcro is wearing out, making the mask fitment a lot to be desired. The seal that I'm supposed to maintain is leakier than a faucet in a 100 year old house. So I was able to take an old mask headgear and make it work, but I have to make it so tight that I get lines on my face and it hurts my head. Maybe I'm just not sleeping well.

So what's stressing me out? Here's a short list: We're fighting in Iran. Trump sucks. Prices are fucking expensive. Our HOA is battling vandalism by punk-ass kids in the 'hood. People are giving me a hard time for buying a car for my kid. (And I feel like I need to justify myself to them, when in reality it's none of their fucking business.) My hockey team is not as good as I want it to be. We might have lost a MAJOR contract at work, by no fault of our own. This could cut my income in half. There's not a lot I can do about it. N8 is still dying of cancer. Wheezy is still in the hospital. These last two events alone make me want to punch dog. And what did he do? Nothing. Exactly. He did nothing. The fact that I can do nothing in those situations makes me angry. Straight up angry. These people don't deserve to leave this earth. The world just isn't fair sometimes.

I was able to find a gift for a friend (that he couldn't easily find himself at a reasonable price), and that made me happy today. I just turned over the right rock at the right time, and when I saw it, I knew I had to get it for him. We had just had a conversation about it, so it was fresh in my mind. He does a lot for me, and he's been a friend for almost 30 years. It's a collectible that completes his collection, and I know it means a lot to him. Let's put it this way, the dude definitely abides. This is a bright spot on my otherwise weird day (mentally).

I am going to go meditate or maybe have a cocktail or seven. Maybe that will help. But probably not, everything will still be there when I come down... Wish me luck anyway.