Remembering Nate

My best friend died. (#FuckCancer) That feels really weird to say as an almost 50-year-old man. I loved him like a brother. This is our story. (I'm going to gloss over a lot of things in the interest of time, but this is the general outline. Some of the things are fuzzy, but my fact checker had a look before publishing, and she said it's all true.)

I met Nate while in high school. We didn't hang out per se. I was a senior, and he was a sophomore. But we were active in the theatre (stage crew), and we ran with the same crowd. Being older, we didn't have any classes, and we didn't really interact with each other much. I knew him, but we weren't "friends". I graduated and did what I did, and around that time, he started dating (my now wife) Lynn's cousin. So she saw him a lot more because he was always hanging around with Lisa. I wasn't really in the picture because I was dating someone else (ok a couple of different people) at that time. Fast forward a couple years, and Lynn and I are dating officially, and Nate is in college and living in an apartment with BGR. We all attended Parkside. I got to know his roommate pretty well and we became pretty good friends. So I started to see Nate a lot more because I was hanging with BGR. Then BGR got me a job and I started working evenings. That left Lynn alone at night a lot. We had moved into the same apartment complex as N8 and BGR so they would call her up and ask her to dinner all the time. So I didn't even get to know him very great, it was actually Lynn that was buddies with him. Don't get me wrong, we were great friends, but my wife had an almost bigger bond with him. They are both an "only child" and I think they both felt a kinship.

Long story long, N8 and his gf (and eventually fiancée) moved to Arizona. We loved her until the day she broke his heart. (They took their engagement pictures over Christmas break on a trip back to WI, and she broke up with him on the plane ride back to AZ. Told him there was someone else. Who TF does that?) He called me crying. We eventually formulated a plan to get him back to WI. All the while, he was nice to his newly ex-fiancée, and that says a lot about who he was. Anyway, the plan was to move back to WI and return to work for the bank which he still maintained a great relationship. (Eventually he became CEO of that bank and took them public. Such a great accomplishment.) And because my wife and I were building a new house at the time, I said, "Hey man, you can live with us while you get back on your feet. We have plenty of room, I'm not gonna charge you hardly anything for rent. You can park in the garage. It'll be great."

So he and his U-Haul full of stuff arrived shortly after we received the occupancy permit for our new house. And it was great. I loved living with N8, and I'm pretty sure my wife did as well. As I mentioned, I was working a lot of shifts from 4 to midnight. So having someone else in the house was a comfort for both of us. He wasn't a burden to us; he was clean, helped out around the house, and made a hell of a drinking buddy. We would wash our cars and make tropical drinks (which is where I taught him what a rum floater is), have a firepit on the driveway with some beers, or sit on the patio and smoke cigars and talk about life. We were young and dumb, and we were just starting to have a little success and really starting to live our lives.

Speaking of dumb, the opportunity to open a bar in a newly vacant building was laid out in front of us, and when I mentioned it to Nate, he was all over it. It was one of those things that there were several guys involved, and slowly, one by one, they dropped out when the rubber hit the road. There were three partners in the end, but one dropped out about a month into it. So it was mostly just Nate and me. It was called "Rookies Sports Bar" because we didn't know what we were doing. We hired our friends, and we had a great time. It only lasted a year, but that's only because they wanted us to buy the building, and we didn't want anything to do with it. We were happy paying our measly rent. Then they sold the building, and the new buyer kicked us out to open their own spot. We weren't devastated. We were happy. We made a ton of money and had a blast doing it. I was 28 and he was 26. There are so many stories, but my fingers don't type fast enough to tell them all. After that year, we were tired from working full-time and running the bar.

Eventually, Nate saved enough money to buy a house and move out. I've gotta be honest, I was sad at the time. I mean, I was happy for him, but it's like my little brother was moving out. We fixed up that little house on 22nd avenue, and he was so proud of all 832 square feet of that place. We sanded every inch of that floor. Replaced all the cabinets. Cut a hole in the kitchen to open it up. It was his little bachelor pad, which was his and his alone. Not bad for a kid who started at the bottom. I've gotta be honest, I was happy that I helped him in some small way. Felt small at the time, anyway. But looking back, it set him up for a great life in the future. And I'm proud of that.

Then, after the bar closed, Lynn and I moved to Arizona. Around that same time, Nate and Kate started dating. I had known Kate since 1st grade. But she was overheard by my wife in the bathroom of a bar, talking shit about me. So I wasn't the biggest fan of my bro hooking up with her at first. It took me a while to get over that. We got an invite to their wedding, but we couldn't go for some reason. Honestly, I don't remember why, but I was still pretty salty with Katie at the time, so it's probably better that we weren't there. I regret now that we weren't there; I hear it was a great wedding. So for a few years, we hardly connected.

When they moved into their current home, we got invited to their housewarming party. Nate and I picked up where we left off, and it was pretty much just water under the bridge. I think Kate apologized to me about it at some point, and by that time, I was over it. When we came home every summer, we made sure to see them, hang out with them, go to dinner with them. We had a baby a couple of years before them, so we were a resource for them. We had another baby shortly after, and we'd get together and race them. We started vacationing with them. They would come visit us. We would meet in Florida and go to Disney World with the kids. Our kids became great friends. We would swap parenting stories with each other and encourage one another when we had a rough go at things. Our families became family.

Over New Year's 2021 into 2022, we took the kids to a water park hotel in Sheboygan. Nate got hammered. Kate got hammered. We were sharing a room, and Lynn and I were left to tend to the children. We looked at each other and thought, "What the hell just happened?" I knew something was off. It just felt so unlike them. It's the first time I felt like something was off.

The next day, Nate and I drove to the Dells to look at the cabin they would end up buying. That car ride was just something I'll always remember. We laughed. We cried. We opened up to each other and somehow became even closer. We never talked business with each other, which I always liked. My work has never defined me as it does for so many others. So not talking shop was always refreshing. But we talked shop that day. I think we both surprised each other on that hours long drive. I know I felt it. I truly felt honored that he wanted me to help him make a decision on whether or not to buy the cabin. I took it very seriously and tried to play devils advocate. He was really soul-searching on it. Nate didn't come from much, and this was a big step. We all know how it turned out, and as I found myself sleeping there last week, I was reminded of that car ride and the decision I helped him make that day.

Six months later, we were in WI and celebrating our Anniversary and the 4th of July. We were out to dinner that weekend, we had drinks, we had pizza. We were swimming at his brother-in-law's house, and Nate got very sick. I thought I had broken him. That was pretty heavy for me for a few days. Then he got his official diagnosis. I was scared. He was given something like six months to live. It's still not fair to me. I still don't understand. I want it to make sense. It never will.

But that man fought with every fibre of his being. Sharing his fight candidly and openly on his Caring Bridge Website. (Which I hope we can turn into a book or something someday.) I tried to write here on my site when a new post would pop up. Then I started trying to write one before he posted, just so he'd have something to read while he was in chemo. But his 70 or 80 rounds of chemo were more than I had topics to write about, so that plan didn't work out very well.

On round 50 of his chemo journey, I sent him a potato in the mail. He didn't know it was from me at first. It gave me great joy to know he was confused at first. But as he said, "You really don't know what to do when someone sends you a potato in the mail."

We remained close during his battle. I've had some health issues this year, and was feeling pretty crummy. Not only physically but mentally. I was complaining to him about it, like I would with any one of my other friends. His response: "You're being a little bitch..." and continued to put me right in my place. I was initially mad at him. But I reread it, and it really was coming from a good place. He didn't want my family to go through what his had been put through. The whole text thread is too long to share, but this is how it ended.

"I'm so fucking tired of chemo and the way it makes me feel. Yet I am going tomorrow morning to meet with my oncologist to start figuring out next steps. What meds are available, and what new hell do they bring? I’m so fucking mad/sad that I have done everything to try and combat this but continue to lose. But I’ll keep showing up for Katie and the kids. I’ll work the next plan until it stops, and then I will move to the next, and the next... For as long as I can. If it buys me another day and shows the kids to not give up and that family is worth fighting for, then I will stop being a bitch and keep going."

I tried to get to him before he passed. I was literally on a plane flying to see him when he left us. I missed him by about an hour. I don't feel guilty about that, because I know he did it on purpose. He didn't want anyone to see him like that. He knew I was coming, his affairs were in order, it was time. His time.

Nathan Edward Walker, I will never forget you. And I'll never let your children forget you. I will try to be there for them because you can't. Be there for Bing's graduation, see what college he picks. Help Tatum learn to drive. Watch her walk down the aisle. Hopefully, meet your Grandkids. All the things we talked about. All the shit you didn't want to miss out on.

This isn't all I'll say about him. But it's all the energy I have to say right now. Tomorrow morning is his service, and it's going to come early and hard. But before I go, I just want to say this... Thank you. Thank you for being my friend. You taught me so much. You helped me live. You showed me that I have a purpose and I belong. You showed me and others how to fight. You showed up. You showed us that showing up matters. You taught me how to live. Not just how to get by. Thank you for being my brother. I love you. Godspeed.