I can't take much more. My heart is already heavy. And the shit just keeps piling on and piling on and piling on... And I'm not well... I'm having a really hard fucking time with things. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. I'm overly emotional. I'm trying to keep things in check, but dammit it's not easy. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I write this...
So how did we get here? As trivial as these things seem, to me they are a big fucking deal. You're probably reading this thinking, what a pussy. Whatever. I'm a real person and these are the gut punches...
A great friend has cancer. And he's doing great. (I know he's gonna read this but this is how I feel and I'm not gonna hold back. If he can write about me on his, I'm gonna write about him on mine. 😆) But it's the "what if's..." that is tearing me up. What if he's not ok? What is he doesn't have the time we think he does? It fucking eats at me. I don't want his kids not to have a fucking father. I don't want his wife to lose her partner. There's a song by Jason Isbell called "If We Were Vampires" that is hauntingly beautiful. You should listen to it and not cry. It's almost impossible. I listen to it and think about them. (The A.C.L. live version is amazing.)
Lyrics:
It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in
Or the light coming off of your skin
The fragile heart you protected for so long
Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong
It's not your hands searching slow in the dark
Or your nails leaving love's watermark
It's not the way you talk me off the roof
Your questions like directions to the truth
[Chorus]
It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone
[Verse 2]
If we were vampires and death was a joke
We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
Laugh at all the lovers and their plans
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind
[Chorus]
It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone
It's weird. I don't even think of my own wife in the context of the song. I think of them. I'm incredibly sad that the whole family is going through so much. It's a huge hit to my midsection.
Pee-Wee died of cancer. I know, it's such bullshit. But dammit if I didn't spend every Saturday morning with him in the 80s. I didn't know Paul Reubens, obviously, but I felt like he was a childhood friend. In so many ways he shaped what comedy was to me as a young impressionable kid doing "Pee-Wee's Playhouse". And then I discovered his HBO comedy special years later and had a whole new appreciation for the character and his comedy all over again. My head nearly exploded the first time I watched it. I literally watched it a second time immediately after watching it the first time. It had a profound impact. I know so many people wrote him off after he was caught in his whole masturbation thing, which I never understood. He didn't hurt anyone. He was in an "Adult" theatre. And who among us hasn't masturbated in a place they weren't supposed to? (🤷🏻♂️ Don't ask.) I always hated that they hung him out to dry for that. And he fought cancer for the past year quietly, so it was a big shock to me. It really fucking bummed me out yesterday.
I also found out another friend has cancer. We're not super close but we used to volunteer together at the kid's school. He seems to be doing well, and he too has been quietly fighting for a year now. He's a Canadian and loves hockey. We need more of those people in the world. Not less. He's also the 3rd person I know going through this, and thankfully they all seem to be doing ok. The prognosis isn't bad for them but they're certainly not out of the woods. I literally think of all of them every day and try to send good juju their way. Again, I hate thinking about what their families are going through. Again a total fucking bummer.
My little girl got her braces off. She's growing up. She just started 8th grade. I want so much for her that it hurts. Navigating Junior high is difficult and with her ADHD brain, I know exactly what she's going through. I just want to shield her from all the shit. But I can only do so much.
I was listening to Ben Folds while I was in the shower today and his song "Gracie" came on. It was written about his daughter and I started bawling my eyes out. They really do grow up too fast. Being a parent is the best and worst thing all at the same time.
And finally, David "Lebo" Le Batard passed away last night. That's him at the top of the page. Again I didn't know him, but I have loved his art since I first laid eyes on it. His brother said that he's been fighting an illness for a year and it finally took him. They didn't come out and say it, but I'm gonna assume it was cancer too because nothing takes you down with such swiftness and ruthlessness. One year. And he's gone.
Not a lot of people know this about me. But I love art. I think because it's something that I can't do. I can't draw or paint to save my soul. So instead of creating it, I consume it. I try to buy original art when I can. I love owning something no one else can own. I own three Lebo paintings and I always thought there'd be plenty of time to collect more of his pieces and maybe even meet him. I would have loved to commission a piece from him. That was a literal dream of mine. And I can still purchase Lebo art, but it's going to be much harder and much more expensive now. I'm thankful for what he's done for the art world and super happy that his art hangs on my walls. But, it's another punch in the gut. Rest in Peace sir.
I know I'll be fine, this is merely a bump in my road. But the weight of it all doesn't make it any easier. So hug your babies and kiss who you love. "Maybe time running out is a gift, I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift". Keep working hard, that's all I can do...