I don't need anyone to check on me, because I'm not going to harm myself. But I'm not ok. These are the things grinding my gears this week: The hospital kicked me out of pulmonary rehab because of insurance. Even if I wanted to pay the $125 per session (x 16 sessions = $2,000) they said "nope". Insurance reset in the new year, so every medication we refill at the pharmacy (which used to cost on average $15) is now hundreds of dollars each until we hit our deductible. That's not hyperbole, $560 at CVS today. And Lyza's will probably be similar when it fills next week. My best friend is literally dying of cancer, and I can't do a damn thing about it. He also yelled slapped some sense into me the other day, and put things into perspective. Who fucking does that? Who has your back and is super supportive and encouraging because "you're having a bad day" while they're literally being eaten by cancer? I fucking love that guy, and I can't bear to think about him leaving this earth. Oh, and I also attended a funeral for someone my age last week who died of cancer, after being diagnosed in July. That hit me hard. All I want to do is eat my feelings. I'm pretty much the heaviest I've ever been in my life right now. I pulled a crown off a tooth on Christmas, and it's really annoying. I made an appointment with my dentist to have it glued back on, and work has been so insane that I can't find a free minute to get it done. I've a pretty cushy job, but when I need to perform, it's stressful. We still don't know why my lungs behave the way that they do. I've had nuclear imaging done this week, where I had to contort my body and hold it for 7 minutes while an X-ray machine (basically in my face) took pictures of my insides. This is after I inhaled nuclear material, and they also injected it in my veins. I'm sure they'll come back inconclusive. Oh, and because insurance reset it was around $1,100. At least I'm closer to that deductible. I have to sleep with a BiPAP machine. My head is breaking out from the mask straps. I really want to cut my hair short but I don't want my pimply head to be seen by the world. I wake up with dry mouth and crusty eyes. I feel super anxious when I put on the mask and have to match the cadence of the machine's "breaths". On top of all that, I just found out that I have glaucoma, so I have to have laser eye surgery at the end of the week. I'm sure that's gonna be another thousand bucks. I feel buried by "stuff/clutter" in my house. Unstarted projects. Unfinished and abandoned projects. Piles of mail that haven't been gone through. Christmas decorations to be put away. I can't do a whole lot about it because my ADHD won't let me. I need someone to help, and I can get things done, but no one ever does, so it sits. These ICE motherfuckers will shoot you in the face. I know it's such a touchy subject but I don't think that woman deserved to be shot in the face. Our government is out of control right now. Our Bully in Chief basically mugged Venezuela for oil their lunch money and is rapidly leading us to WWIII. We only have one car until I buy Lyza her 16th birthday gift, and I'm starting to feel a little trapped in the house. I paid my property taxes for our land in AZ (which I forgot to pay last year, thanks ADHD!), which was about $3,000 (for both years), and another roughly $12,000 for the condo in WI. So I'm a little edgy about our spending right now. And our garbage disposal just broke. I don't DIY plumbing very much because it can go sideways really quickly. So I'm sure that's not going to be cheap. I know this is an entire list of white people problems, and a lot of it I brought upon myself. But fuck, these are MY problems, not yours. I'm just airing my dirty laundry. I'm not asking anyone to carry these burdens, I'm plenty strong, I've got this... But shit, somebody please just commiserate with me for five fucking minutes. That's all I'm asking. I think I need a real vacation. Well, time to put on my big boy pants and get after it...
