I'm trying not to be a downer. But man, it's hard. I've been dealt some personal and professional blows lately and it's hard not to take them personally. Even though I know there is absolutely nothing personal to them. Business decisions on both sides of the coin. You think you're doing the right things but the world has other ideas.
The news is depressing. These are tough fucking times. As a middle aged white man, you know if I'm feeling it, you know it's gotta be bad out there. I don't know what the solution is.
I was lying in bed the other day thinking about my life. I'm happy. But I'm not fucking happy at all. In fact, I'm kind of miserable in a lot of ways. I don't show it much to those on the outside, but I'm actually pretty angry at a few things. Not in a why me kind of way. But just a goddammit why the fuck is this happening kind of way.
I'll give you an example. This is a total "white person problem", I totally realize this but I'm gonna say it out loud anyway. We went to a restaurant with some friends a few weeks ago. New spot. Hot spot. Saturday night. It's jam fucking packed. We had to wait 45 after our reserved time to sit down at our table. That's how jumping this joint was. That's not what I was mad about. On the contrary, I was excited. I was like "Fuck yeah. We have cool shit on this side of town too. I don't have to drive 30 minutes for something cool!"
It's a fish restaurant. If you know me at all, you know that I don't really even like fish! I saw a beautiful slab of white fish on a woman's plate and inquired about it. She raved. I knew what I was ordering.
We sit down with our drinks, the second of the night because of the long wait time. A cute little thing rolls up, "Hey guys I'm Xxxxx, and I'm gonna be helping you out tonight!" with youth and enthusiasm you don't see in a waitress. "We're so sorry you had to wait! We're gonna get you an appetizer on the house." Yeah man, this place owns up to its mistakes.
Then she says it: "So we're out of the halibut but we have a bunch of other specials...." And I was done. I didn't show it but I was fucking pissed. I made some jokes but I was legit steaming. It didn't help that I literally only ate half a sandwich that day in anticipation of this dinner, so I was starving. But now I was pissed off and hungry. And I get it, they don't know that every table is going to order the halibut at 3:30 pm. Shit happens. They run out. But maybe because I'm a middle-aged white man and I'm used to getting what I want, the sheer disappointment of something so small and insignificant was literally devastating to me. I would have left if I had been by myself. How dare they run out of fish! Didn't they know I was coming?!
Again, I realize this is ridiculous. But these are my feelings. The thing is, this little shit has been happening over and over and over again to me. They're not huge blows. They're small and relentless. It's death by 1,000 cuts.
I need some fucking wins. It's starting to eat at me and eat at me. I'm not saying I'm gonna do anything. Hurt myself, or someone, or something like that. That's just not me. But I just can't sit around and be a punching bag anymore.
I texted a friend a few weeks ago. Out of the blue. We haven't really connected since his son was born a few years ago. Here's the actual transcription:
Why? WHY? I ask you to lunch you respond with "Why?" What the fuck man! I am trying to be a better friend. And if I don't reach out, seems like it doesn't happen.
This is the kind of shit that is so disheartening and such a blow to my ego. I have another friend I've probably texted 6 times in the past 6 months and haven't heard back a single time. He lives in WI so I can't just pop over and see him. And we were close! I was in his wedding. I just don't get it. Is it me? Or are my friends just assholes?
I don't know. Like I said, I need a win. I need a friend. It's getting lonely without someone to talk to. And before you call me and try to get in my head, it's too late. You should have called me before you read this. You're a bad friend. I don't need you in my life. Seriously, don't call me. I don't want your pity conversation or texts or whatever. Instead of calling me, call someone else. Text someone else. I'm serious. Do it. Be a better friend to them. You'll probably have better results than I have had. And hopefully, they don't ask "Why?" when you ask them to lunch.